Women's Work

Taking care of beefs

I'm taking care of myself by trying to remove several beefs from my life.

How do I do that? By moving across the Atlantic!

And here are the beefs I'm going to leave behind:

• Limited opening hours: all stores close at 7pm, expect for Thursday, when some are open late (as in until 9pm) for what's called the "long Thursday." Everything is closed on Sundays!

• No customer service: in an example related to the opening hours, many stores won't let you in anymore if it's less than 10 minutes to closing time.

• Lack of cultural offerings: granted, there is actually quite a bit going on, but most of it is in a language I still have problems with. So I'm stuck with mainly amateur stuff -- most of it pretty bad I'm sorry to report.

• French: a language I never cared for much, and living in a French-speaking region hasn't changed that. It's just so complicated and cumbersome!

• Expensive but mediocre restaurants: well, they probably exist everywhere, but here they rule! For a while I even stopped going out for dinner, because it made me so mad to pay a lot of money and get so little for it. Now I go for the social aspect, but I look forward to combining nice conversation and good food again!

• My boring job: I guess that's probably my biggest beef. I feel useless, not challenged, totally dispensable... It can only get better!!!

Of course, there will be other/new beefs -- the main one certainly that I'll be much further away from my family and can't just visit them for the weekend. But I will make up for that with longer visits. And I will miss the friends I've made here. However, I have the strong feeling that a lot of them will follow me eventually -- none of them is really happy here!

Substitute for love

I recently lost one of my best friends -- to love.

We met at work several years ago and become best friends quickly. We were both seeing someone at the time. His relationship ended first, mine a bit later. By that time he had moved away, but we still talked and visited each other often, went on vacation together, talked about pretty much everything. We constantly emailed each other, several times a day, every day. It was like having an ongoing conversation. We were always in touch. I always knew exactly what was going on in his life, what his plans were, what he thought about, what he was working on, where he would be the next day.

People always wondered if or rather when we would hook up. But we never did. It would have never crossed my mind; I loved him as a best friend, nothing more, nothing less. He got infatuated with someone every now and then, but it never turned into a relationship. We never discussed how we felt for each other. At least to me, things seemed just fine as they were. I knew that he wanted to be in a relationship, quite desperately so in fact, he mentioned it often. He felt lonely, sad, and bitter at times. He wanted to be loved, to be the most important person in someone's life. He felt incomplete, like something -- or rather someone -- was missing. But he never made any advances. And again, that was just fine with me. I assumed that it was not me he wanted in that way -- and that was the way I felt about him. What we gave to and felt for each other was not romantic love; it was something different, something separate. Something that could presumably coexist with love.

But now I wonder...

Last year he started dating on of his co-workers. It took him a while to really fall for her, but eventually he did. And now he finally seems content and happy. And now I hardly hear from him anymore. At least compared to before he was in a relationship. He still emails me once a week, and it's usually a long email detailing what he did over the past days. And while I do appreciate those emails, they don't make me feel like I really know what's going on with him anymore. I don't know how he feels about things, what he worries about, what he looks forward to... He doesn't share those kinds of things anymore. He shares facts, but not feelings. And I wonder -- is that because he has someone else to share them with? Have I been replaced by someone who can provide everything he was looking for, everything that he felt that was missing in his life? Was my friendship a substitute for love? And now that he found love, does he not need my friendship anymore? At least not the way he used to? I don't feel like I'm one of his best friends anymore. I'm still a friend, but our relationship doesn't seem special anymore. Can platonic love only exist in the absence of romantic love?

And what would have happened if I had fallen in love with someone?

As much as I miss him, I'm overjoyed that he has found what he was looking for, that he is happy and content, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I feel sorry for myself and sad at times -- not because I'm jealous or because I'm still single. I'm ok with being by myself. I might be alone, but I hardly ever feel lonely. Because I still have a best friend. And she is a woman!

Freestyle

I saw Revolutionary Road last night -- a good but terribly depressing movie about choices and options... It resonated with me on several levels: first, whenever I see people stuck in horrible relationships like that I'm glad to be single. But more importantly, I was struck by the desperate clinging to safety and security in the male character -- and I wondered too what extent I would be willing to do that. I'm not happy at all in my current job, but the safety and security keep me there. Unlike the couple in the movie, I could just leave and do whatever I want. Nobody depends on me, no partner, no children, I could move to Paris tomorrow. I guess the difference is that I still see options, there is potential for change, and I hope for things to get better. But if they won't, would I be willing to give up the safety and security I have, or would they trap me? I hope I would be able to break out, especially since life overall is more open and free these days. You don't have to marry, have children and move to the suburbs to be happy -- there isn't just one road to happiness that everybody follows blindly like in the movie. Which brings me to the topic of the month: freestyle! And while it is great that nobody tells me what to do, that I can do whatever I want, I sometimes wish for some guidance so that I wouldn't have to make all the decisions by myself -- so that I could blame someone else if things don't work out... I'm not religious, so no help from that direction, my family and friends are liberal and open-minded and don't really expect me to follow any specific path, and for the most part society around me doesn't have any preset expectations either. For better or worse, my path to happiness is in my hands alone. I guess in the end I wouldn't want it any other way, but I look forward to someone telling me what to write about next month!

Celebrating New Year's Eve

Growing up I always celebrated New Year's Eve with my cousins. It was always fun and I never had to worry about what to do that night. I don't remember when or why we decided not to celebrate together anymore -- probably when we were teenagers and wanted to party with our friends. Little did I know that this wouldn't always be so easy or enjoyable. I distinctly remember one night of frantic driving around with a bunch of people trying to find a party we could crash. That must have been before we realized that we don't really need a party, but just each others company. We did that a couple of years ago when a few of us where at our parents' places for the holidays anyway, and it was great! Of course, as teenagers we were around each other all the time, whereas now just seeing each other is a celebration right there.

There were many other New Year's Eves of stressing out about what to do for this special night. Once I was on vacation with my parents, and no restaurant would take families with kids. I think we ended up in our hotel room with a couple of chocolate bars. The millennium proved to be equally low-key -- we were on vacation again, but this time we had at least a decent dinner. But nothing else was going on where we were, so we were in bed shortly after midnight. But by then I had learned to care less. The best lesson was one year when it ended up being just me and a good friend. I don't remember why it was just the two of us, if we hadn't tried to plan anything, but in the end we went to a club, danced for a few hours, went out around midnight to watch the fireworks, danced some more and went home around 3am. We had a blast, mainly because we didn't expect this to be the party of the year I guess.

I also have fond memories of being snowed in with a boyfriend once. There was simply no way we could have gone anywhere, all the pressure of this having to be a special night was off, and we still had a good time!

Then there was the year when I had three roommates and in the morning of the 31st we discovered that none of us had bothered to make any plans, so we celebrated together and it was great! We cooked together, played board games, and even went to a bar later on.

Last year was another good example of trying too hard for a special night and failing completely. My parents were visiting and we went to a fancy restaurant. After just two courses my father got violently ill and had to go home -- luckily my place was just across the street. My mother and I ended up finishing dinner, and by the end we were able to laugh about it (in spite or because of having to pay the full price even though my poor father hardly ate anything).

This year I ended up making no plans again. I've been traveling on and off for the past six weeks (being on at least one plane every weekend), I saw lots of friends and family and had lots of special nights and celebrations. There simply is nothing I could have planned for tonight that could have surpassed these past weeks. So I will just head over to a friend's place for some cheese fondue. We might go out later, but the weather is yucky and truth be told: if I end up at home alone before midnight, I won't be disappointed at all! New Year's Eve only has to be as special as you want it to be -- and this year I really don't care at all...

Happy New Year!

The eternal student

It seems like I can only go for so long without going back to school. I got my first two degrees back-to-back, went back for another one two years later, and another three year's on I'm a student again. I told people to keep me from going back to school, but since I'm stubborn and mule-footed I went anyway. Why you ask? Well, I guess I've always liked being in school. Especially high school was great! And I truly enjoyed everything (except maybe the Latin exam) about my history degree. I met one of my best friends in library school. And the third degree was a good distraction in an otherwise difficult time. Now I'm studying knowledge management, hoping that it will eventually get me the job I want in the place I want. In the beginning I wasn't too pleased to find out that I would finally have to deal with Foucault and the likes, which I had managed to avoid so far, but even that turned out ok, since I didn't have to go into too much detail. Writing my first paper was harder. I realized that I'm not really used to that kind of writing anymore. It almost seemed like I had to learn it over again. I also felt like my language wasn't as good as it used to be -- probably also from lack of practice. So it feels good to get back into this.

The new thing I'm learning is how to study virtually. It's an online program with no onsite consultations. I'm a student at a university I have never sat foot in, in a city I've never been to. The software they use is pretty good, but at least so far I'm a little bit disappointed in the interaction between students -- or lack therefore. I take two classes, one is huge and a lot of people post all the time, but most of it is stuff I know already, the other one is tiny and hardly anybody ever posts anything, and this is the topic I'm most interested in. The teacher doesn't seem to be all that bothered, after all, the course leads up to a thesis, which you also write by yourself. But I've alway felt that I learn best from listening to others, from hearing their experiences and exchanging ideas, and I really miss this aspect of being a student. I hope things will improve over time... Especially since one big aspect of knowledge management is getting people to share knowledge -- if the experts-in-the-making don't do it, how are they supposed to get other people to do it?

I'm pretty sure that this is going to be my last degree until I retire, if I even get that far -- I can stop after a year and get a certificate or do another one and get a diploma. Once I don't work anymore, I might get a Ph.D. in history -- but from a German university, where I don't have to take classes anymore, but just write the dissertation. Or I might just end up doing the research without ever actually writing it -- that's what I've always liked best!

Luzie

When I think of family these days, I think of the latest addition to our family: my niece Luzie! She was born on September 10 and she is the cutest thing ever - at least I think so! Ironically, her mother was the last baby in my family, she's younger than my brother and me and also than my cousins, but the first to get married and have a baby. Even more ironically, she was never that much of a family person. Even though I lived on a different continent, there were years when I saw my parents more often than she did, and she only lived a few hours by car away.

Earlier this month she spent a week with the baby at my parents' and introduced the little one to the rest of the family. My family is not big: my mother's parents are still alive, so Luzie actually has great-grandparents, then there is my aunt (my mom's sister) and my two cousins, and my mom's brother. My dad also has a brother who has a son, but they are not close and I hardly ever see them.

When I was young, my sister, my brother and I spent lots of time with our two cousins. I was very close to the girl and my brother to the guy. My sister was the little one and always tagged along -- either with the boys or the girls. Over the years we've drifted apart, we've developed different interests, and lead completely different lives. It's still nice to see them, but part of me is always a little sad that things aren't the way they used to be.

I have, however, always been and am still very close to my sister. There were of course the years were fought over Madonna posters and things like that, but even as teenagers we got along very well. I still have letters she wrote to me when she was 14 and I was on vacation with my boyfriend at the time. I wonder if and to what extent things will change now that her life is so different from mine. My biological clock is completely silent and even though I am very happy for her I wouldn't want to live her life. But sometimes I wish I could give her advice in this situation and just be the older sister again, who has been there before. I'm not sure if I will ever have children, but if I do, she will be the one to share her experiences.

For now I enjoy being an aunt! I get to hold her, feed her, hug her, buy cute stuff for her, but I don't have to get up in the middle of the night. And that's just fine!

Whose culture is it anyway?

Thanks to Julie for providing such helpful definitions for this month's topic! I'm going with 5b:

the characteristic features of everyday existence (as diversions or a way of life) shared by people in a place or time

According to this definition of culture, I feel like I grew up in one, feel at home in another, and currently live in a third.

Having lived abroad for a long time, I'm definitely out of touch with my home country's culture. Although I do have limited access to German television and magazines these days, I do miss out on the popular culture for the most part. I don't know the current movie and television stars, singers and bands, TV shows, etc. However, I do admit that I don't really make much of an effort. Like I said, I've started feeling very much at home in US culture -- even though there will always be cultural references I won't get (Emily can start listing them). But that's ok.

I currently live in the French-speaking part of Switzerland. And even though German is one of the official languages in Switzerland, nobody speaks it here. My French is not good enough to actively participate in the cultural life here, and the cultural offerings in English are quite meager. I saw brilliant performances of Follies and Kiss me Kate by the local amateur operatic society, but everything else was pretty bad, and even the cinemas don't offer a good variety of movies in English. Yes, we get the big blockbusters, but they usually end up playing in several cinemas for weeks and weeks, so I'm missing out on a lot of smaller movies. In New York, I went to the movies almost every week, and I had excellent movie buddies for all kinds of movies -- and I really miss that. And even though we do have a few museums here, they are also quite limited in what they show, and again the language often is an issue.

So for the most part I rely on imported culture I can consume home, that is mainly the Internet, DVDs and books. And I travel a lot and soak up local culture whenever I can. And not to forget email -- thanks to all my wonderful friends who share their culture with me!

The favorite cake

I don't remember when I started baking, but for years now I have been in charge of baked goods for all family events: birthdays, anniversaries, holidays... In the beginning I experimented with different cakes, but my family quickly found a favorite, that I have made ever since. I still try new things every now and then, but usually as an addition to the favorite cake.

The favorite cake is called Grillage Torte and is actually a specialty of the region I am from. But I don't remember ever having it growing up -- my mother and my grandmothers never made it. I thought the recipe was interesting and just tried it one day, and especially my father was all over it from the start. It definitely was an instant success!

It is not very complicated to make, it just takes quite a bit of time. But I assure you it's worth it!

The measurements are metric, I've converted them to ounces, maybe once day I'll figure out cups. But for now you'll need a scale.

So here is what you would find my family eat in the afternoon at every get-together:

Grillage Torte

Ingredients

6 egg whites
200g (7oz) sugar
80g (3oz) confectioner's sugar
1 tbsp corn starch
80g (3oz) ground hazelnuts

100g (3.5oz) dark chocolate

750ml (25 fl oz) whipping cream
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp rum (optional)

Whip egg whites and sugar until firm and stiff. Mix confectioner's sugar, corn starch and ground hazelnuts and fold into egg whites. Draw three circles with 10 inches diameter on parchment paper. Distribute egg whites evenly between three circles and bake at 230 degrees for 3 hours. Leave oven door open slightly (I usually prop it open with a wooden spoon) so that the meringues can dry. If you don't have a convection oven, rotate the baking sheets every now and then.

Once the meringues have cooled, melt the chocolate and cover the meringues from all sides. Let the chocolate dry.

Whip cream with sugar (and rum if you like) and use to put the cake together. Also cover the top and the side with cream. Freeze for at least 5 hours or overnight.

Take cake out of the freezer about 30 minutes before serving and decorate as you like.

In the summer I usually use fresh berries, in winter it's mainly chocolate, nuts and more cream. Here are two examples:

I hope you enjoy it as much as my family does!

Blueberry pancakes

That's my favorite dish - blueberry pancakes! Unfortunately not the ones you can get at every breakfast place or the ones you can easily make yourself, but my grandmother's blueberry pancakes. What makes them so special? Well, first of all, they are German pancakes. Which makes them bigger and less fluffy than the American ones. There's no backing powder in the dough, and no fat either. The blueberries are different, too. Actually, I don't think I've ever seen the ones my grandmother uses in the US. They are much smaller and much more flavorful. In Germany, they are called wild blueberries. I remember picking them as a child in the woods when we were on vacation in Bavaria. Now, my grandmother uses a lot of blueberries in her pancakes. Not just a handful, but she actually covers pretty much everything with them! And then she sprinkles it with sugar. And for me it's heaven on earth!

I haven't had my grandmother's blueberry pancakes in years, but when I visited her last weekend, she had made one for me and had kept it warm in the oven. Mind you, my grandmother is 87, needs a walker, and she still made a pancake for me! I was so touched, and as usual the pancake was amazing!

Today I went to the market and bought blueberries. As usual, my pancake was not anywhere near as great as my grandmother's, but it was still pretty good. And this is what it looked like:

In the pan:

And on the plate:

What's up, Doc?

I come from a family of doctors, and even though health was always an issue, I'm thankful that it was never really an issue for me. I've never had any serious problems. My teeth bother me at times, and once I had a bad infection that forced me to take painkillers for three months straight. But that's the worst it ever got. Recently I've had some weird allergies, but those also didn't really affect my life in a serious way.

Even though I might be quite healthy, fitness is another issue. I always hated sports, for as long as I can remember -- even way back in primary school I hated it. Like all the other kids at the time I took tennis lesson, but they were also nothing but painful for the most part. I vividly remember running around on a tennis court in the summer heat, wondering what the hell I was doing there... Bot my parents were good players, and my brother and sister did well too -- but it simply wasn't for me. The famous endorphin rush never came.

Finally, I discovered that swimming is a physical activity I can handle fairly well. I still doesn't make me happy, but it's something I can do. Not vigorously or extremely well or fast, but that's ok. Unfortunately, it requires more than just running shoes or a regular gym, so these days I don't get around to doing it anymore.

Recently I got a used a exercise bike. Again, no endorphins, but I can watch TV and distract myself while on it, and it's ok.

And I've also started to do 10 minutes of Pilates in the morning. Not every morning, but I try.

These are of course baby steps and they won't change my level of fitness drastically, but I figure it's better than nothing. Every little bit counts, no?